October 7th, 2008
You know when you get pregnant everyone is so excited and happy for you. Everyone has advice and there are books upon books telling you what to expect when expecting…but when something goes wrong and you’re told you’re going to miscarry there isn’t a lot out there. There are the few people who offer to help with whatever you need, the ones that don’t say anything for fear it will be the wrong thing, and the ones that do say the wrong things.
We found out the end of January, that after 8 1/2 years of infertility and waiting, we were expecting our 2nd child. A few weeks later we were told that the pregnancy wasn’t looking good. Two weeks after that we lost our precious baby. We named him Asher Zechariah which means “Blessed Remembrance of God.”
Today would have been our due date. In remembrance of Asher and the hope he brought not only us, but many other women we know struggling with infertility I thought I’d share some of the things that helped us at the time of our miscarriage and in the months since. (I give a lot of links and I don’t agree with everything on them, but they have good information or items that make it worth the sharing.)
We’re thankful to have good friends, and people we barely know, who have been a blessing. The kind words, the food, the gifts, the cards, the flowers, and all the many prayers have helped us through this difficult time. Thankfully the “helpful” comments that unintentionally hurt were few and for the most part on days when I could let it roll off.
These two links have very good advice and ideas for helping someone you know through a loss. They are things people did for us said to us that were comforting:
Good support is important. While it isn’t talked about much in common conversation around 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It’s pretty likely some you know in their reproductive years has had one. Having someone to ask “what to expect” questions who has been there and knows what you’re going through is helpful. I found my doctors to be very clinical and not very helpful when it came to this big scary unknown. There are several places you can find support. I only personally have experience with:
Hannah’s Prayer.
Also a good site, because there is a possibility of being misdiagnosed is:
The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage.
More information I found helpful during our wait, miscarriage, and months after our loss:
Facts about Miscarriage.
Mourning a Miscarriage.
When your family has lost a loved one.
Conceiving AFTER Miscarriage. (Men and women’s perspectives)
For myself, and others that I know, having something to remember our baby by can be comforting:
A scrapbook with mementos/pictures to remember your loved one.
A memorial garden.
A special teddy bear. (Build-a-Bear has some birthstone bears – if you have suffered a loss I suggest ordering online rather than going in to make one.)
Birthstone/Memorial Jewelry (Gifts to Remember, My Forever Child, and The Comfort Company had some nice looking items, just to name a few I saw.)
A few songs I found comforting:
Through the Fire by The Crabb Family
Farther Along by Anonymous
Because He Lives by William J. Gaither
Precious Memories & More (A listing of poems, some are good. “Men Don’t Cry” is a very good one reminding us that it is a FAMILY that grieves the loss of a child, not just the woman.)
I’ll end here with my three favorite selections out of the many verses in the Bible that gave/give me comfort.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
1 Samuel 1:27-28 For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there.
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
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September 29th, 2008
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July 25th, 2008
A few myths that were going around 10 years ago and that are still going around today:
I have inverted nipples so I couldn’t.
http://www.breastfeed-essentials.com/invertednipples.html - Women BREASTfeed, not NIPPLEfeed. With knowledge and help most women can go on to breastfeed and many do. For some the problem corrects itself as the pregnancy progresses and for other there are things you can do while still pregnant to prepare for breastfeeding when the baby is born. http://www.breastfeeding.org/articles/beforebaby.html
I got sick so I couldn’t.
http://www.kellymom.com/health/illness/mom-illness.html - Short of a few serious illnesses you can and should continue to breastfeed. Your milk won’t make the baby sick, BUT it does give him antibodies to your cold/flu etc. Just be sure any medications you may take are safe while breastfeeding.
I didn’t have enough milk/a little supplementing won’t hurt/he only wanted a bottle.
http://www.kidsnutrition.org/consumer/archives/supply.htm
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/bf/supppit.asp
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/2/t023200.asp - Most people don’t understand the system of supply and demand. (Just look at the debt issues in our country today…) Breastfeeding is very much a matter of supply and demand… or actually baby demands and your body supplies! When you introduce bottles the demand on you falls and your body gets the message and your supply drops. Continue this trend and soon you’re not making enough.
Yeah, I know some people do fall into the small minority of women that are UNABLE to breastfeed because of a real problem. But, the majority of those that I’ve seen that have claimed an “inability” to breastfeed were because of a failure to seek out/be provided knowledge and support, not a failure of their body.
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July 20th, 2008
You know it has been almost a decade since I’ve read up on the whole breastfeeding scene. What amazes me is that with all the time that has passed the lack of understanding that is still out there.
With as big as the Organic craze has gotten you have people who will shop at the natural foods store while pregnant, so baby has the best, but still have no qualms about giving their baby a bottle of formula. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Not only does it show a lack of understanding of the supply and demand nature of breastfeeding, but if organics are good enough for your unborn baby and yourself why isn’t it good enough once the baby is born? After all what is more organic than breastmilk? Human milk for human babies.
Yes, yes… “babies do just fine on formula,” but breastfed babies do so much better. It’s the optimum best you can give your baby. Who actually does the optimum and best these days? They say formula is good enough. No it’s not! Saying breastfed babies do better is saying Formula is the norm and breastfeeding is better. (See my rant: Breast is Norm – Bottle is inferior for list of reasons.)
We need to reset our meters as to what is normal. What is organic? What is the God given and natural way to feed a baby? How were babies fed before formula? Why Breast of course. Which means that Formula fed babies aren’t as healthy as breastfed ones. Formula fed babies have more problems than breastfed babies. Formula fed babies aren’t as smart as breastfed babies.
What if you can’t? From what I’ve seen over the past 10 years is that only a very small amount of women can’t breastfeed given the proper knowledge and support. I’ve seen women overcome amazing obstacles to breastfeed.
If you really are in that minority of those truly unable to breastfeed, then that is what Formula should be for. To feed babies who aren’t able to get breastmilk who would otherwise starve. It should be a substitute for when the natural process doesn’t work. It should NOT be the default choice.
My Pregnancy and Early Parenting page has some more links for Breastfeeding info.
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July 7th, 2008
Cases of Kill the Messenger:
I don’t like the message. Ignore the message. Kill the messenger.
I don’t like the messenger. Who cares about the message. Kill the messenger.
I like the message, but don’t like the messenger. Miss all further messages. Kill the messenger.
I like the message and this messenger best. Accept only these messages. Kill all other messengers.
I like this messenger. Who cares what the message is. Kill all other messengers.
Which category do you fall under?
There is of course the option to take the message as delivered. Study the merits of the message yourself. And who cares how tall or short the messenger is. What color clothing he is wearing. His shoe size. His tone of voice or eye color. After all, he is just the messenger…
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May 16th, 2008
The more I am around (the majority of) women the more I prefer the company of men. What do I mean by that? Most men. Those that have not been feminized by public schools, psychology, medication, overbearing mothers or controlling wives:
They say what they mean and mean what they say.
They don’t drop hints or expect you to read their minds. They say what they expect or want.
They don’t read extra meaning into the words you say. They accept them at face value.
They don’t get upset or offended just because someone holds a view contrary to their own. They don’t get angry just because you defend that view to them.
They don’t walk into a room, look every man over, and make sure they are the better dressed and better looking male in the room…and if they aren’t make sure their wife never leaves their side.
As far as I know, and I’ve been the only female in the group a lot of times, they don’t sit around eating chocolate and bashing the women in their lives.
And when you ask them if something is wrong and they say, “Nothing.” They really mean NOTHING is wrong…
Women on the other hand:
Say things they really don’t mean. To be nice or mean.
They drop hints or expect men to read their minds. Then get upset when they do/get the wrong thing.
They read “hidden” agendas and remarks into anything and everything.
Get very offended if someone thinks things other than they do because that has to mean they think they are doing wrong. (Notice a trend of circular thinking here?)
They walk into a room and size up the competition.
I have never understood the habit of bonding over husband/men-in-general bashing that women do…
And when you ask a them if something is wrong and they say, “Nothing.” you had better be prepared to do some major grovelling or sleep in the dog house…
Now I am a woman and I’m not saying I’m perfect at avoiding these female tendencies or that men are without faults, but men are much more enjoyable for me to deal with. I know where I stand with them. I never know where I stand with another woman. And that can change from moment to moment anyway…
I find most women don’t like me. If you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking did you expect them to?
I could care less about fashion, weddings, jewelry, and who is dating whom.
I share interests with men that upset many of them: Computers, games, cars, guns, knives, and Sci-Fi.
And probably the main one that tends to be the kicker is I am a Biblical wife. (See th end of my post for a listing of verses.) My husband is the head of our home. It is my duty to honour, respect, obey, and love my husband. His word is law and final in our home. I believe this to be our God given role and I perform my duty willingly to the utmost of my ability. For some reason this seems to irritate, irk, offend and make many women quite hostile to me.
A lot of wives want their husbands to love them. Work. Provide. Care. Share. Give of themselves like they are called to do. However when it comes to that submission thing…any excuse will do.
Our Duty as Christian wives to our husbands.
To love and obey them:
Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
To reverence them:
Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
To be subject unto them:
Ephesians 5:22-23 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Colossians 3:18-19 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
1 Peter 3:1-2 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
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May 11th, 2008
To my mother who is a Biblical example of what a Mother should be.
Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
To my mother-in-law who gave birth to the child that grew up to be my amazing and wonderful husband.
To my many friends (and other women) who have adopted or are waiting to adopt.
To the foster mothers who love and care for children between homes.
To the birth mothers who love their child enough to give him/her up so he/she can be raised in a loving and stable two parent family.
To the mothers who are pregnant on this day.
To the mothers who are, “My kid’s Mom.”
To the ”mothers” that “mother” the children of others.
To the widower being both Father and Mother to his child(ren).
To those for whom this day also brings sadness-
The mother who is waiting to miscarry.
The mother who has miscarried.
The mother who has lost a child at any age.
The women who are grieving a lost mother.
And to the many, many women who greet this day with empty arms and aching hearts.
Happy Mother’s Day.
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May 10th, 2008
My husband just wrote a great article I just had to share.
College: Who needs it?
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain
Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
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May 10th, 2008
My guys took me out to see a movie in April. Our first one all year: The Forbidden Kingdom.
It is PG-13. I recall hearing a couple of swear words in the whole movie and featured drinking. (Drunken Monkey style.)
It is The Karate Kid meets The Wizard of Oz, meets The Neverending Story, meets Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Which you would think was an odd mix, but it worked and fun to watch It has very nice martial arts eye candy. A “Kick Flick” to say the least. The fight scenes were a nice mix of martial arts with fun magic wire work thrown in.
Jackie Chan, who just turned 54 on the 7th of April, still does amazing scenes that are funny and Jet Li, who just turned 45 on the 26th of April, is still super fast.
It’s a your basic boy with bullies on an adventure/learning martial arts growing into manhood type of story. It was a funny, cute, pretty clean story and we really enjoyed it. I love the training sessions because it is so cliche (cause it’s a lot of what we do), but they add some funny comedy to it too.
It was a fun sit back, relax and enjoy the story for 113 minutes.
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April 22nd, 2008
| When you exercise you will break down muscle tissue in the body. Over a period of continuous destroying and rebuilding, your muscles will grow and adapt to the strain you put on it. |
Consider how muscle growth and strength comes from pushing the muscles, breaking down, destroying and rebuilding. So it is with other things in life.
| John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. |
Where does our peace come from? Are we promised life be easy? Who has overcome the world? Why in today’s world do WE try to overcome the world and expect life to be trouble free?
| 2 Corinthians 11:23-28 Are they ministers of Christ? (I speak as a fool) I am more; in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches. |
Just look at all the things Paul went through…
| 2Co 12:9-10 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. |
How did he deal with it? What did he learn through it?
| Philippians 4:6-9 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. |
I find that most issues with “depression” come from having an unrealistic view of how people THINK things should be. (Part of this is comparison to others…) And what people think they deserve/want.
Another unrealistic view that seems to add to this is that God is a “genie in a bottle” granting our wishes and prayers. He promises what we NEED, “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding,”.
| Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. |
This includes the various trials and valleys that we go through. If God is giving them to us for a reason then we need to learn from it… and grow from it…not wallow in it … and not medicate it away.
When we go through trials praising God and clinging to his word that is an example to others. Others see this and who knows maybe those others are the part of the reason you were blessed with this trial.
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