JaeByrd’s Nest

To my mother who is a Biblical example of what a Mother should be.

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

To my mother-in-law who gave birth to the child that grew up to be my amazing and wonderful husband.

To my many friends (and other women) who have adopted or are waiting to adopt.

To the foster mothers who love and care for children between homes.

To the birth mothers who love their child enough to give him/her up so he/she can be raised in a loving and stable two parent family.

To the mothers who are pregnant on this day.

To the mothers who are, “My kid’s Mom.”

To the ”mothers” that “mother” the children of others.

To the widower being both Father and Mother to his child(ren).

To those for whom this day also brings sadness-
The mother who is waiting to miscarry.
The mother who has miscarried.
The mother who has lost a child at any age.
The women who are grieving a lost mother.

And to the many, many women who greet this day with empty arms and aching hearts.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I see babies raising babies, while friends are waiting in adoption lines, and it bothers me. Do these kids even think about the long term? What is best for the baby?

Having and raising a baby isn’t something to be taken lightly. It is physically, emotionally, and financially draining. It ain’t easy. It is not all cute cuddly fun. And it doesn’t come cheap.

Financially: How Much Does it Cost to Have a Baby? On average around $9000-$11,000. For the first YEAR.  Life in the Fast Lane Breaks it down a little more on an item by item basis. That is just the first year. You’ve got at least another 17 after that.

No more trips. No more designer clothing. No more a lot of things. You brought a life into the world you need to take care of that life before what makes YOU happy. Oh, I’ll just work to offset the cost? Quality Day Care will cost you almost as much as you make. If you’re very young, probably more. So all of that on Dad’s income flipping burgers?

Emotionally: Are you really prepared for getting up all night, changing diapers all the time, not having time to hang out with friends or at parties because you need to take care of your baby? For crying jags that last for hours? For putting aside your wants and even some needs for the sake of what the baby needs?

Physically: That body is going for a ride. You will never be the same as you once were. Those first few months are draining. Sleep deprivation is quite normal. Yet, you have responsibilities as a parent and that comes before just sleeping like you want to.

Are you really prepared for that? Are you willing to give up what you want for what is best for the baby? Are you expecting/assuming the grandparents are going to shoulder the burden? They already did their responsibility and raised their kids. Now you want them to take on YOUR responsibilities? Think about it…

Having a baby can be a wonderful, rewarding, joyful, blessing. When brought into a mature, loving, committed, stable, 2 parent Marriage. One that is willing and able to make the sacrifices needed to raise a healthy contributing member of society. Is that what you’re giving your child?

In light of recent news about animal-human embryo research and
Britain Destroys More Than 1 Million ‘Excess’ Embryos

I thought I’d share this story/excerpt from a book I just heard about:
What Is at Stake in the Embryo Experimentation Debate

There are families willing and waiting to give these little lives a womb to grow in. A home and family to welcome them with loving arms. That loves them before they are pregnant or give birth to them.

These are just a few links with more information:
http://www.nightlight.org/snowflakeadoption.htm
http://www.embryoadoption.org/
http://www.embryodonation.org/

An Embryo is a life waiting to be born, not just a Blob of matter.

I read a lot of magazines. The articles are perfect for short or long waits. Something I can pick up and put down and continue on with my day. Recently I read an article about homeschooling a large family. Ordinarily I would have skipped it as having an only child I glean very little from such articles. I don’t need to know how to keep the baby/toddler/pre-schooler busy while working with the kindergarten/first grader/older children. I have only the one to worry about.

 For whatever reason I started reading it and found it quite good. She talked about finding peace as a homeschooling mother, making things work, and being happy and thankful no matter your family size. Whether that be 1 or 10 children. She went on to acknowledge women she knew who have 1 child and would love to have more, but for whatever reason have not been blessed in that way. I thought wow, this is actually good stuff that applies to all homeschoolers.

She then spent the next page and half after that listing all the blessings and advantages of homeschooling and having a larger than usual family. That wouldn’t have been bad had she also included the other side, but she didn’t. So, here are just a few things that come to mind regarding homeschooling as well as family life with an only:

• Undivided attention 
• More parent child time
• Generally speaking more finances for textbooks, travel, or activities
• As well as more time for activities
• Less chance for burnout when only divided by one
• Only 1 child to worry about when on a field trip
• No sibling rivalry or disagreements
• No comparisons of who did/does it better
• Knowing who broke the vase/ate that/or left that laying there

Those are just a few things off the top of my head. I’m not saying having an only child isn’t without its cons, but it does also have its pros. I wouldn’t have made the choice on my own, but since things are what they are I find what peace I can in it. I make it work. I am thankful for  having an only child and the advantages and blessings that come with that.

Seems everyone has an idea of how life in general works and is suppose to go. It amazes me the unsolicited advice given by well meaning people. Wither they know what is really going on or not. About subjects that quite frankly are private and none of  their business anyway. 

When we married young everyone assumed we must be pregnant why else get married? After we’d been married for a few years everyone told us we should be having babies by now. Once we were finally blessed with a child, and he was over a year old, everyone informed us he needed a sibling so he wouldn’t be an Only Child.

I’m still asked today when meeting new people if he is an Only Child. In that tone of voice like it is some sort of curse to be one. Must be because I’ve heard often enough how they had another child or where planning on another so (s)he wouldn’t be an Only Child! Sadder still is the assumption that we must be selfish for making him be an Only Child.

Apparently all Only Children  grow up spoiled and socially inept and everyone knows an Only Child who is just like that to prove it. I’m sure we’ve all heard someone dismiss bad behaviour saying, “Oh, (s)he’s an only child.” What about all the children with siblings who are spoiled, shy, sheltered, selfish, etc etc? Where is the, “Oh, he has all those siblings! No wonder he acts like that.” comments then?

Sharing a bedroom/genetics does not guarantee a close relationship. Having siblings does not guarantee a giving and selfless spirit. Having siblings does not guarantee a built in playmate. Having siblings does not guarantee better behavior. It doesn’t even guarantee, although increases the likelihood, of nieces or nephews.

Having siblings only guarantees just that. A brother or sister so long as you both live.

Before you dismiss behavior and character as a result of the number of children in a family consider the parenting and personality of the person and not the number of siblings they have. And before you inform someone that they need to start or grow their family think about all the things you might not know about the situation… 

 A few links to related articles and resources.

http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/unsolicited-comments-about-your-family-p A funny, if sadly accurate, flow chart of how people assume your life should go.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2001/marapr/10.66.html An article on Secondary infertility and how the “Is (s)he your Only Child?” question can sting.
http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/SN01.htm Only Child myths and facts

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/HSBCompanyBlog/227509/ Homeschooling Only One - Common Fallacies
http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content2/only.child.html Some interesting statistics regarding the Only Child. .
http://www.onlychild.com/home.html A good resource for parenting an Only
http://www.helium.com/tm/66556/children-centered-selfish-oudated I love the last line in this article.

As we close out the week I thought I’d share an article about Secondary Infertility. The struggle to conceive again. When you are stuck between the infertile, and the fertile of the world, yet not really part of either. A road that is both easier because you’ve been down it before and at the same time harder because you now know what you are missing.

In keeping with this week’s theme here is a song/video I thought I’d share:
“I Would Die for That” by Kellie Coffey.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, we hope that you will read this document from RESOLVE and share it with others. Please keep in mind that this medical condition affects 1 in every 6 couples.Things we wish our family/friends knew about infertility …

1. That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience.
2. That it deeply affects our self-esteem.
3. That it affects our relationships with everyone that we know.
4. That it interferes with our day to day functioning.
5. That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight.
6. That it makes us feel violated.
7. That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt.
8. That it is emotionally draining.
9. That it changes our lives forever - We will never again be the same people that we once were.
10. That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer.
11. That it is a life-altering experience.
12. That it makes us question everything we ever believed in.
13. These are medical issues, not lifestyle issues. Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition. Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of the treatments. NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often, or adopting (ie: if you adopt, you will become pregnant).
14. Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others. Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up and enjoying their pregnancy. After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road.
15. Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject.
16. No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friends.
17. There is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize.
18. Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable. You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down your street, on television, with family and friends when they don’t even know it. Kids are life’s common denominator. When you can’t participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don’t fit in anywhere.
19. Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend.
20. In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons. It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue. You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it’s better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions.
21. To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my life.
22. That I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready and your probing and questions do not make me any readier to discuss “what I am going to do next.”
23. It’s hard to know what I will be doing next. If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.
24. That unless you have done what I’ve done and been through what I have been through, you can’t possibly know how I feel and can’t possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings.
25. That I will be okay again, but I don’t know when. So when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don’t press me, because I don’t know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.
26. Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster. There are constant ups and downs and surprising drops We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened in our seats.
27. Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not be) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives. Once you’ve been on this journey you are never the same again.
28. The thing that I wish people knew is that the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments. I wish I could plan my depression! But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work out like that. Of course, these moments come when I’m surrounded by other people– watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby– totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it’s just the image that is devastating. Or driving in a car and a song comes on the radio that talks about babies, parents: “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder, “She’s Having My Baby”.
29. For me (as I’m sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child. Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger. If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated.
30. I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people’s children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes.
31. That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically That infertility is a degrading experience. We often feel like failures, like our bodies our not our own, like everyone in the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded.
32. That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not “fun.” That treatment cycles move very slowly, so try to be patient. We are at the mercy of the medical world.
33. That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us. Please let us be sad when we need to be. We have to mourn our losses.

This is a question that is often asked and most people don’t realize how hurtful it can be to some people. Even if they aren’t trying its a very personal question.

How to answer is always a dilemma for the person asked. How much detail do I tell this person? Do they really want to know? Is it going to open up a line of dialog that we’ll both be uncomfortable with?

So here it is:

Q: When are you going to have a kid?. (kids or another child)

A: We’re not on a schedule. It’ll happen for us when the time is right.

Short. Simple. No need to give details.