You know when you get pregnant everyone is so excited and happy for you. Everyone has advice and there are books upon books telling you what to expect when expecting…but when something goes wrong and you’re told you’re going to miscarry there isn’t a lot out there. There are the few people who offer to help with whatever you need, the ones that don’t say anything for fear it will be the wrong thing, and the ones that do say the wrong things.
We found out the end of January, that after 8 1/2 years of infertility and waiting, we were expecting our 2nd child. A few weeks later we were told that the pregnancy wasn’t looking good. Two weeks after that we lost our precious baby. We named him Asher Zechariah which means “Blessed Remembrance of God.”
Today would have been our due date. In remembrance of Asher and the hope he brought not only us, but many other women we know struggling with infertility I thought I’d share some of the things that helped us at the time of our miscarriage and in the months since. (I give a lot of links and I don’t agree with everything on them, but they have good information or items that make it worth the sharing.)
We’re thankful to have good friends, and people we barely know, who have been a blessing. The kind words, the food, the gifts, the cards, the flowers, and all the many prayers have helped us through this difficult time. Thankfully the “helpful” comments that unintentionally hurt were few and for the most part on days when I could let it roll off.
These two links have very good advice and ideas for helping someone you know through a loss. They are things people did for us said to us that were comforting:
Good support is important. While it isn’t talked about much in common conversation around 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It’s pretty likely some you know in their reproductive years has had one. Having someone to ask “what to expect” questions who has been there and knows what you’re going through is helpful. I found my doctors to be very clinical and not very helpful when it came to this big scary unknown. There are several places you can find support. I only personally have experience with:
Also a good site, because there is a possibility of being misdiagnosed is:
More information I found helpful during our wait, miscarriage, and months after our loss:
Facts about Miscarriage.
Mourning a Miscarriage.
When your family has lost a loved one.
Conceiving AFTER Miscarriage. (Men and women’s perspectives)
For myself, and others that I know, having something to remember our baby by can be comforting:
A scrapbook with mementos/pictures to remember your loved one.
A memorial garden.
A special teddy bear. (Build-a-Bear has some birthstone bears – if you have suffered a loss I suggest ordering online rather than going in to make one.)
Birthstone/Memorial Jewelry (Gifts to Remember, My Forever Child, and The Comfort Company had some nice looking items, just to name a few I saw.)
A few songs I found comforting:
Through the Fire by The Crabb Family
Farther Along by Anonymous
Because He Lives by William J. Gaither
Precious Memories & More (A listing of poems, some are good. “Men Don’t Cry” is a very good one reminding us that it is a FAMILY that grieves the loss of a child, not just the woman.)
I’ll end here with my three favorite selections out of the many verses in the Bible that gave/give me comfort.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
1 Samuel 1:27-28 For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there.
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.